The time he had spent with Serena now seemed like an elusive dream.

Xavier could not recall the exact trails they had taken into the forests on the Butler estate, which was now his home with Octa. His wife. He could not remember his lost love any more clearly than he could taste the exotic spices of a well-prepared meal, or smell the delicate scents of meadow flowers. His replacement lungs had healed to the extent possible. Now it was time for his heart to do the same.

Many times he had told himself he would not do this, that he would devote himself to the new life he had promised Octa. But here he was anyway, trying to recapture the past, or bidding it farewell.

He chose the same chocolate brown Salusan stallion he’d ridden on the bristleback hunt, almost nine months ago. For hours he tried to locate the magical meadow where he and Serena had made love, but it seemed to have vanished . . . like Serena herself. Like his happiness . . . and his future.

Now, as he tried to bring back memories of the surrounding hills and forests, all he could recall about that afternoon was the beauty of Serena’s face and the sheer joy of being with her again. Everything else seemed a hazy fantasy, a mere backdrop.

The Butler estate was so sprawling that even the Viceroy had never surveyed all of it. After Xavier’s marriage to Octa, Manion had insisted that his new son-in-law take up residence in the Butler manor. With Fredo and Serena gone, and Livia elsewhere, the great house seemed too quiet and lonely. Xavier had always considered the Tantor place his home, but the sadness in Manion Butler’s eyes and the hope in Octa’s had convinced him to move his belongings in with the Butlers.

Someday, everything here would stop reminding him of Serena.

At a clearing on the trail, he dismounted and stared into the cool distance, where evergreen-covered hills poked through morning mists. He felt caught in a dreary nightmare, but knew full well that he had brought it on himself by coming out here in the first place.

Serena is dead.

He had left sweet Octa back at the house, telling her he wanted to exercise the stallion. She often liked to ride with him, but had sensed that he wanted to be by himself. Though they had been married for less than two months, he could keep few secrets from her. Octa realized, without ever admitting as much, that she would never have all of her husband’s heart.

He and Serena had shared grand dreams. His unrealized life with her would have been complex and sometimes stormy, but always interesting. In contrast, Xavier’s rushed marriage to Octa was good, but simple. The matters that concerned her seemed so small in comparison with Serena’s magnificent humanitarian visions. It was hard to believe the two were sisters. He knew that making such comparisons was unfair to Octa— who treated him better than he deserved— and also to Serena’s memory. But he couldn’t help himself.

Standing just behind him, Xavier’s horse whinnied, and he tugged on the halter. He sniffed the breeze, searching with his deadened senses to find some lingering trace of Serena’s sweet perfume.

Gone. You are dead, my love, and I must let you go.

He remounted the stallion and continued down the path, but none of the trees or hills looked familiar. The meadow could be anywhere.

Xavier rubbed the corner of his eye. He envisioned the idealistic woman for one last time, and her image broke through like summer sunlight, smiling down upon him, telling him without words that he must go on with his life.

He said goodbye to her, though he had done this before, and always she remained nearby. He couldn’t discuss the hurt with anyone, for they would never understand. He had to suffer alone. He had always kept his feelings inside.

Xavier wore a distant expression as he peered off into the might-have-been. Moments later, when daylight broke through the morning fog and warmed his face, he began to feel better. The sun’s golden glow was like Serena herself, watching over him. Each time he felt its warmth he would think of her, and of the love they had shared.

Xavier turned the horse around and urged it into a trot, heading back to the Butler manor house . . . and Octa, his wife.